Hello invisible readers!

I don't think I'll be using this blog after this, so here's goodbye. Whether it's for now or not, let time tell.

Z.

Well dayum, I've lost track of time. Uni is such a mess. Or rather, I'm a mess in uni haha xD Midterms just ended yesterday (phew). Sigh, I totally screwed up the paper.....

Why does it seem that I'm always distracted when I'm doing work online. Doing SEA essay. It's quite fun to do it actually, especially since we can choose our own topic and all.

Time passes by so fast in uni, it's scary. Seems like just yesterday I was being a poop, coming to campus for the first few times and feeling lost (still lost tbh). Soon, the first sem would be over and I would have to do the bidding all over again (!!!). Hopefully I'll get used to it soon T-T. As of now, there's a lot going on in my head, in terms of where I wanna go. I suppose I can just try? Things will work out somehow~ I've lost connections, made a few new ones, and also trying to connect with myself. Idk, sometimes I just wanna detach from myself? Late night/early morning rambles. My head hurts. Should prob go to sleep but essay (!!).

Oh oh! Before I leave, I'll just leave this here~:

It's been... 4 months? since I last wrote in my diary, and 3 months since I last posted here. Life's been hectic recently. I wish I had been more disciplined in writing in my diary. Now I have a whole chunk of my life fading away. Was hoping that my diary can be read by people (like Anne Frank's!) but of course that's just wishful thinking, because I don't want anyone to read my diaries actually. Ha.

Doing Soci assignment, but of course I would get distracted. I've been wanting to post this song here since I first listened to it (which is actually not thaaat long ago heh), so here goes!



Actually just realised that the lyrics are not really relatable to me as of now haha but dayum John Park's voice though! So weird watching him in this video because his 'Cool Kiz' image is still stuck in my head xD -okay ends fangirling-

So... Just a little bit about myself. As of now I'm rediscovering myself in life. It's like dancing tango or whatever, where you take one step forward, two steps back. But InsyaAllah I'm getting there. I wish I can go further, faster, but at least one step, than none.

Badum badum. Can't wait for next week./Can't wait for this week to end.

In considering people's feelings, we might get hurt in the process.

Is it worth it, actually? Wrapping people's fragile hearts carefully with newspaper while leaving ours bare and susceptible to self-attacks... just in the noble act of preservation of people's feelings?

Then, who will protect ours?

Fat.

The list:
1. 1304 (afternoon)
2. 1404? (morning)
3. 1504 (evening)
4. 1504 (night)
5. 1604 (evening)
6. 1604 (night) + 1704 (morning)
7. 1804?

The list looks kinda random, but let's start.

1. I really need to learn how to talk to people. Interact. I think my EQ is kinda low. So I followed my her instructions (advice) and asked about his wellbeing. And that's it.

Now I don't even know whether the opportunity will come round again. Or ever. (But enough about this as of now.) Come to think of it, we're not that close. I think it is my fault. I'm just not sociable enough.

But at least, the final proper time.

2. Every few months or so, I would get confirmation, on where she stands on this matter. It's hard, but it's the truth. I suppose a slap of reality every once in a while is necessary to keep reminding me of life's (death's) end goal.

3. Met up with BSM. Sadly SH couldn't make it. I'm the kind of person who does not really like it when people praise me. It makes me uncomfortable. But hearing HY saying that to me, it still made me feel uncomfortable but at the same time, I felt this weird tingly sensation coursing through every nerves in my body. She said it in such a sincere and earnest manner that it made me so self-aware about how I am emotionally lacking at times. Plus it's been like more than a year or so since we last met up, it makes it more memorable, more meaningful.

How time flies. 4 years ago. See how life works. One mistake led to a new door, and the door stayed open even until now.

4. I really wonder how our brain works. How it makes people in our daily lives appear in our dreams. Dreaming itself is an abstract concept. How is it possible for one to feel a person in a dream? The tender touch lingers on the fingertips. I suppose it's just pure imagination. It's like, you don't even know how the texture feels like, but you can still feel it even after waking up.

Maybe dreaming is a platform for one's deepest desires.

5. So, it was raining. I enjoy walking in the rain, so I did so. Along the way, a stranger with an umbrella offered to share his umbrella with me. I was like, no it's okay, but he walked with me. Turns out we were heading towards the same direction. We talked almost throughout the train journey, knowing each other's names (B) only in the middle of the whole conversation.

To cut a long story short, I wouldn't have talked to a random stranger on the road. I would have kept to myself and read my book throughout the journey home.

It's funny because if I had taken out my umbrella, we would just be two strangers on the road, two separate entities. Just because I didn't use my umbrella, our paths converged. Strangers to familiar faces. And that's how simple people meet each other. Lines got tangled.

Told her about this (philosophical much) and she said that somehow we'll meet again, because there would be a bond formed between us.

6. Life throws us curve balls. Every morning the train will be crowded. Among the nameless faces, we will never know how many people are struggling to keep their life intact even though all the walls are breaking apart. We will never know what their future, or even their present, holds. We will never know each other's stories.

7. 1804 became 1704. "Surely we belong to Allah (SWT) and to Him shall we return."
.إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ

And that aptly sums up this post with this title, albeit in a lamentable manner.

So. I was editing the blog for Chinese project. I came here to see if anyone left any message here (wishful thinking, partly because not many people know about this blog... I think.). I realised that it's been a very long while since I last posted here. For some reason I thought I had a more recent update. Ha. And so I was just reading my previous posts like literally five minutes ago, and I realised that it's Today.

Like, today today.

Two years huh? I keep repeating the whole scene in my head. It doesn't seem to escape. Or maybe I don't allow it to. Maybe I let it go on replay to torture myself. I've been telling myself that once you've ever experienced it, it will never leave you. I kinda don't want to let it go. It keeps me sane in an insane way. It's like... a sanctuary (uh huh, Looking for Sanctuary)... a mental one.

I have yet to reply him. I don't know what to say, to be honest. It's like clawing against my chest, trying to dig deeper, let more blood gush out. The scotchtapes can't seem to hold it together any longer. I... really don't want to relive the whole thing again. But I still need to say something.

Just that the lines are blurred and I don't know if it's going to be for him, or for me.

... Anyways. Here's my beloved men for your viewing and listening pleasure~

zu.
twentythree.
still finding my way.
tumblr.