I don't know who am I. I don't know why, but I've been trying, so hard, to change my ways, my mood, but it will all turn wrong and I'll be stuck again at square one. Why? I tried so hard.. But everything just doesn't seem right. I worked hard.. But everything is just the same. I've hurt others' feelings, others' moods.. I've forgotten about what coach has said.. About not mixing external problems into volleyball.. But it's not external problems that I'm mixing with, it's all internal problems! How can I ignore it if it is from inside?

But I tried so hard.. It still remains the same.. It just shows that I did not try hard enough. But what I've tried is my limit. I can't put in anymore.. I'm going to try hard again. But first things first, I don't know what I'm going to do about her. Later there's training, so maybe I should try and be alone, for once? But I'm sorry.. It's hard. Why don't you try and be in my shoes for once? You don't know how I feel. Maybe you still won't even after being in my shoes. It's useless. I'm useless.

I still don't know who is the real me, after 13 years. I'm useless, I'm hopeless. So there's no use befriending me, because I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry. It doesn't turn out the way I worked for it. But if you ever want to be in my shoes, you will feel the hurt in me, trying hard, but in the end, sees that nothing changes, nothing goes right. You might think I'm selfish, but you didn't see it from my perspective. You didn't even try to. So what's the use of living? I tried, but it's no use.

So I'm sorry. But I know, saying sorry will not change anything.